friend: yep cool And I understand many of your points. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Texting or sending an email to someone. 3. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. Then match the sentences with the correct picture. Which is honest at least. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). Ive had trouble with that one, too. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Thats just the question it looks like. its BANK HOLIDAY?. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. You: Yeah, we should. Yak shaving is a programming term, although Ive also seen it in other contexts. Me: Nope. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. Would it be possible for you in [date]. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? Because shes a family member. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. Ah. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Can't complainI have tried, but no one listens. Bye. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. I shall think on why. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. I read that post all the time. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. 3. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. But different cultural norms! I can vouch for this strategy! Thinking of seeing [movie]. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Then one day I said to her you know, when you ask me my plans without saying what youre thinking of, it makes me really nervous because it feels like signing a blank cheque, and she said oh no, that wasnt my intention at all, I didnt want to make you feel bad by suggesting things if youre already busy and now if she wants to suggest a thing, she tells me straight off what the thing is. its differential equations, 2. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. 2. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. Youre right, adult people who feel safe and are treated well like adult people probably dont react like that. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. Him: Good. This is such a common question, and I have a memory like a sieve, and once or twice replied Nothing much and accepted invitations which ended up double booking myself. "It's happening.". Those on the other side never see it that way. picked up a shift right off the bat. Why do people ask? It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. If that's not a good enough answer for them, walk away, because there's nothing more you can say. I hope this email finds you well. Im really only comfortable with this question in that context from very close friends who I can trust to react well to Thanks, but Im not really up for X. Otherwise, the question makes me feel that Im being manipulated into agreeing to something before I know what it is. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. I'd Be Better if You Asked Me out If I Was Any Finer, I'd Be China Thats the way to go. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. Suggesting someones internal dialogue over a situation is a pretty extreme response feels blame-y and a way to police someones (totally valid) feels. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. Yeah Im keen., I honestly never get asked this question as anything other than innocuous small talk. It leaves me an opening to decline politely once everything has been said. Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. Excellent insight and analysis. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? It changed how I felt about her for a long time. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. I think it depends a lot on context. The first time I heard this, I wondered who opened my brain while I was sleeping and pulled the song out and put it in a movie soundtrack. Its okay that I usually spend my weekends watching movies/playing videogames/reading and those arent shameful hobbies. All of these. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. Him: What are your plans for the weekend? I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. I'll leave you to be the judge of when it's most appropriate, all . in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). This is my reaction. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. She had already asked him. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. You're very welcome. My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. I get what are you doing this weekend? or just what are you doing? on a Saturday morning. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. Me: yes! or no, sorry. Remember, . I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. Answer vaguely. It's to funny for everybody. (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. That would create some damage. The underlying assumption, is/. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. Them: What are you doing this weekend? Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. Mostly they arent great at invitations. Try these instead. Weekend gone! I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? What did _you_ have in mind?. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. Him: Doing anything fun today? Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. If you dont want to go, just say so. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. Most of what I get out of asking that conversation is sharing of day to day stuff about what we both have happening and are maybe looking forward to [that I can be happy or excited about for them] or things coming up they are anxious about or having other difficult feelings about [that they can talk about if they want to, or that I then know they might be having a difficult time on Tuesday so I should give them a ring then and see how it went/offer support if they want to process through talking]. I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? No, just running some errands. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. They need to stop it. Well, now I know? See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. On a walk with my dinosaur. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! If you have plans, just say so. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Is everyone busy? My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. Ive realized that people sometimes ask this question to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell you all about their exciting weekend plans. Nothing special. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). A: I'm planning to just take it easy. How am I right now? Just wow. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. Depending on the purpose of the encounter, that might mark the end of the interaction or serve as an agreed-upon signal for one or the other or both parties to end the dance of content-free niceties and get to the point or commence the conducting of shared business. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. Him: Doing anything else?

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